I had a dream last night that I gave birth to two sets of newborn twins, and a toddler, all at once. Like, over the course of one evening I became a mother of five. The children’s father ( my husband?) was 5’3″ and from some indeterminate Central or South American country. He didn’t speak, but he smiled a lot.
I distinctly remember thinking in the dream that I had thrown away my life, and was now permanently stuck with five babies and a grinny latin mini-husband.
But, because I was stuck–I was stable.
My takeaway from this dream is that I am sick of change, and need to find a stable situation.
Just not that one.
Looking back, I guess it’s been a pretty chaotic five years.
I wrote on my law school admissions personal statement that by the time I was 12 I had lived in 13 different residences. Well it just occurred to me that in the last five years, I’ve lived in six different residences.
The cycle continues… Fuck, I’m my mother… etc., etc. Damnit.
Seriously though, my life right now, is vastly different from what it was a year ago, which was vastly different from what it was the year before that, which was vastly different from what it was the year before that, and so on, since like 2008.
Which makes me terrified that I purposely eschew stability because it makes me feel “stuck.”
I crave it now, but I’ve thrown it away before. In 2008, oh, I had some stability… but by 2009 I was like “nah” and plunged headfirst back into chaos.
I don’t regret it, but I do worry that I made that decision— not because I was young, free and 25, as I tell myself,— but because that decision is just who I am.
For instance, in 2013 I had a solid, stable career. But similarly… I was like “nah” and plunged headfirst into legal memoranda, instead.
Im afraid that somewhere in my subconscious’ dictionary:
Stability – [stuh-bil-i-tee] (noun) dry rot.
Or… maybe, I was just in my 20s–( clearly, my favorite way to rationalize, like, anything)
I’m 31 now and I guess its a good sign for the latter that I have been perusing real estate listings lately. Nothing says permanence like home ownership.
Right now, I want one address. No, I want ONE COUCH at one address that I can sit on, forever and ever. Right now.
If I had that, I wonder if I’d throw it away too. I really shudder to think that my whole life could just be this exhausting tumult that I’ve been living in because I am incapable of being content with anything else. Yikes.
However, here’s the thing about change though, its the only constant. And sometimes you don’t choose it, it chooses you. I can’t help that, obviously. But at a time when I don’t even recognize my life from one day to the next, the decision to stagnate with a house, five babies and a tiny Mexican mute to call my own doesn’t sound so bad.