Carrie Share takes a Spa Day

By carrieshare | Published: May 17, 2012

 

I don’t do spa days. I don’t really spend money on intangible beauty services in general. Everyone has their cash vices, mine is clothes. And accessories.

Not massages.

So when I say that I took a spa day, it really means that I somehow found myself rifling through my mother’s bathroom cabinets, and then experimenting with the fancy face creams found therein.

She’s having her kitchen redone so yesterday I had to go over there to let in the countertop installing guys, and in my excess of time I decided to try a bunch of her beauty products.

Just because I don’t buy them myself does not mean that I don’t still harbor a secret fear of ending up like Snow White’s stepmother, ok?

…

Now is the part where I share my reviews of these beauty products.

After a thorough cleansing this was the first product I used:

 

I have a good friend who gave me this advice: “Never move your forehead. It’s an investment in your future.” Despite this, I have a tendency to furrow my brow often so I put this on my forehead because I feel the most predisposed to getting wrinkles there.

You’ll be happy to know that I did not have wrinkles when I put this on yesterday and today I do not have wrinkles either!

Success!

Other than that, it made my forehead sticky.

I followed it up with this:

 

It made my skin feel tighter, and left a strange red spot on my cheek that took several hours to fade. But, like I said, today I do not look significantly older than I did yesterday. I trust that that this at least in part due to this $50 serum.

Having slathered enough shit on my face, I decided to then move to my hands. You know your hands are often the first body part to show signs of aging.

And you know what I always say:  There is no excuse for Jessica Simpson or shabby cuticles.

So I tried this:

 

My overall impression was thus: You’re better off just keeping your hands & cuticles moisturized with plain ole’ regular lotion (or baby oil). This did nothing. In fact, I hope my mom only has it because it was free gift with her purchase.

Now on to my new favorite discovery!

 

I don’t think this stuff is very expensive. I think I’ve seen it at Target. Which means I will soon be picking it up. I sprayed it on my wet head yesterday, then let air dry…and today:

 

And that’s not even Instagrammed! I have long hair, it is also thick so getting it to hold volume and/or texture is often difficult. Therefore: This is amazing.

Anyways, thank you for hearing me out and ultimately just giving me an excuse to show you how awesome my hair looks today. Please don’t tell my mom.

 

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WTA (what the awesome?!) Weekly 5/14

By carrieshare | Published: May 14, 2012

Not since the Hamster Dance  Craze of 99′ have I been so amused by something so poorly assembled and  pointless!

Click Here to get bitch slapped by happiness and confusion.

Don’t forget to report back.

I lasted a full 24.7 seconds… Then I discovered the pick a flavor button and that sucked away an additional 10 or so minutes. It all got a bit hazy towards the end there so I’m not exactly sure.

But! Now I’m back!

I’m disoriented, sure… and I smell equal parts like a Japanese school girl and the 70s, but I have a renewed sense of optimism about love, life and the future of humanity.

Also, my head is throbbing.

 

 

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So…remember that time that Carol Channing turned into a sheep?

By carrieshare | Published: May 11, 2012

I’m a sucker for anything I loved when I was a kid. Even though, in retrospect, this scene is almost as damn creepy as the wheelers/weird moose sleigh/headless women scenes in Return to Oz. Actually, that entire movie was just plain fucking terrifying come to think of it. This one wasn’t…but Carol Channing sure is!

 

I remember watching this on 4th of July when I was like 3 or 4. My dad was in charge of lighting off fireworks for the whole neighborhood but I refused to watch them because I was terrified of fireworks. Meanwhile, Carol Channing— possessed, writhing, and speaking in nonsensical verse– had no effect on me.

Other than sheer delight, that is.

Happy Weekending!

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The Met Gala

By carrieshare | Published: May 8, 2012

Was last night and oh my god it was totally a blast! Like seriously, the most fun I’ve ever had, ever. Sooooooo much better than last years McQueen tribute which was just like tragic and sad and stuff. And OH.MY.GOD. Rihanna is such a beyotch, she was totally busting on Bey’s weird spider dress in the ladies’! I was all like, Rih–chill the eff out you’re totally skinnier than her.  I’m really sad Blake wasn’t there this year, though. She is such a fun drunk!

One day perhaps I will utter these words in truth. My invitation was sadly lost AGAIN this year, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying the fashion highlights along with everyone else as they live streamed the red carpet for the first time ever.

Highlights that you’ve no doubt seen already if you give any kind of damn about fashion. Which is why instead of a full-on recap I’m just posting a couple of looks that, for me, induced strong reactions.

Now on to the highlights!

or, rather, highlighters…?

Look, I don’t hate it. It just kind of looks like a superhero costume. If a superhero costume was a formal gown. Maybe since Betty Draper has all but disappeared from this season’s Mad Men, she’s gunning for another role in the next X-Men movie? Or… maybe she REALLY likes Wolverine?

Fuck if i know.

Ok I’m sorry, but I really, really like this. And I really, really admire her gusto in wearing something so risky because she is totally going to get torn to shreds by most fashion critics.

Also, I’ve just really been into the 40s lately.

So…yeah.

MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

 

I love it! The dress, the hair, the sideboob… and especially the shoes! Fuck you Gwyneth for being so fantastic! My enthusiasm for this look might have something to do with the fact that it loosely echoes the aesthetic from my FAVORITE MET GALA LOOK OF ALL TIME:

Blake Lively, Marchesa, 2010.

Your welcome.

And now for something completely different.

HERE IS THE UGLIEST DRESS I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

 Effie Trinket dressed better than this forchristsakes! Pick a print!

Actually, this dress reminds me of superheroes too. In that it harnesses the power of four individually ugly dresses to create one extraordinarily ugly super dress!

It’s the Captain Planet of couture!

Think of all the uncomfortable conversations she must have had last night.

Oh hey Liz. Wow look at you! your dress is just… wow. it’s soooo…like…just… wow.  kbi!

AWKWARD!

kbi

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Beware of Misattribution

By carrieshare | Published: May 7, 2012

 

This picture is floating around the webisphere right now with the following caption: Actual poster from the mid-50’s issued by Senator Joseph McCarthy at the height of the Red Scare and anti communist witch hunt.

How cool would that have been?

Too bad it’s not true.

Other unreliable sources I’ve found have attributed it to Queen Victoria.  However uptight an ice queen she may have been, there is no decisive evidence I can find that she ever said it either. So… it’s more than likely just another one of those worthless web memes.

But still, insofar as backhanded compliments go,  I like it. Which is why I’m posting it here.

Although, to be honest, I don’t know that I would actually classify myself as an artist because I’m entirely too humble to boast such things.

You should probably still beware of me, though. But that’s only because I am smarter than you.

In concurrence (and In conclusion), here is an example of another worthless web meme that I like featuring a CORRECTLY attributed  quote.

 

 

 

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WTF Weekly 5/3– Fifty Shades of Lame

By carrieshare | Published: May 3, 2012

It started two weeks ago. On a random Tuesday morning when Scase emailed me from work to tell me about this new book he heard about on Elvis Duran in the Morning. It was called 50 Shades of Grey and it was taking suburban women by ovary-exploding storm .  He wanted me to buy it. Not because he thought I was repressed sexually and needed a reawakening of sadomasochistic proportions, but rather…because he wanted to read it (covertly) for himself.

That was clue # 1.

If you’re unfamiliar, 50 Shades of Grey is a BDSM novel about one man named Grey and his sexual control over a young woman who’s name I can’t remember because it’s not conveniently and uncleverly contained within the title of the book (like his is).

It has been widely covered by mainstream media like  Qour-company wide-combined-total-IQ-is-102 up there and has even birthed (pun intended) a supposed new genre called Mom Porn.

That was clue #2.

I don’t want anything having to do with anything called Mom Porn.

 Also, it was originally conceived by the author as Twilight Fanfiction.

 Hello Clue #3

This was when I first decided that I would never read this book.

Then, after the barrage of facebook & twitter updates on my feed in the following weeks featuring assorted plot points, it dawned on me that the premise is totally ripping off a fucking awesome movie called Secretary!

This was when I secondly decided, more emphatically, that I would never read this book (even if I got it for free and no one would ever find out about it.)

see here:

50 Shades of Grey-  A very successful and brooding man named Grey sexily dominates an impressionable young woman who works for him. Copyright 2012.

Secretary –  A very successful and brooding  man named Grey sexily dominates an impressionable young woman who works for him. Copyright 2002.

Point Being:

   If Plagiarism= Not Cool.

 And James Spader = supremely sexier than anyone I could make up in text

Then 50 Shades of Grey = WTF!?

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The Greatest Picture Ever in the History of Photography

By carrieshare | Published: April 27, 2012

may or may not be this one. But holy hell I think it’s hysterical!

It’s a passed out bear! Falling from a tree!

If you’re interested to know how this bear got into this tree (and then out–safely) please click here!

EDIT (5/8/12) This bear is now dead. Not from falling out of the tree, mind you. Rather, some stupid college student was probably texting and just happened to miss the 300LB bear directly in the path of his car.  HOW DO YOU NOT SEE A FUCKING BEAR?! HONESTLY…people are worthless.

RIP Tree Bear.

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Bring your little bastard to work day

By carrieshare | Published: April 26, 2012

First of all, thanks JB for that headline. I simply prefer to call it “I Should Have Worked from Home Day”

I just returned from a trip downstairs to the soda machine and I felt like I was in this scene from Kindergarten Cop. Poor Treats, who I passed downstairs, was in the midst of trying to train a new AE, make a client call and shake-off at least three sticky school children from his person.

Anyways, all of this leaves me wondering… exactly what purpose does Bring Your Child To Work Day serve? Let’s be honest here, what does an 8 year old stand to benefit from coloring and drinking Capri Sun in a conference room versus a classroom? Absolutely nothing, thats what.

Think about when you were 8. Did you have the wisdom to know what you wanted to do with the entire rest of your life? No. Did you give a fuck about what it was your parents were doing with theirs? No. Did you like to color and drink Capri Suns? Yes.

Now lets weigh that against the productivity that is lost when a significant percentage of your staff (poor, poor Treats) is distracted for a significant percentage of the work day.

Ok now lets juxtapose the results and write a book called BAD BUSINESS SENSE.

I remember going to the hospital with my mom when I was 14 (back when it was simply called Bring Your Daughter To Work Day) knowing full-well that I never intended to have anything to do with nursing or the medical field, but surmising that a day out of school was a day out of school. It was still pointless.

But I was atleast 14. They didn’t put me to work, but they certainly could have.

Which is why I think there should be limits to Bring Your Child To Work Day; If the child is, say, of-an-age to have developed any kind of legitimate curiosity of the working world, or at least of the particular industry in which the parent is employed, both parties stand to benefit!  If not, leave them at home and bask in the immense gratitude of your coworkers.

Or better yet, I propose a brand new holiday to take the place entirely of Bring Your Child To Work Day.

And that is: Bring Your Out-Of-Work Stoner Friend To Work Day.

It gets them off the couch, hopefully reminds them why having a job (and leaving the house, in general) is important, not to mention– stoners are very, very efficient at tedious administrative tasks (and cleaning)!

Less work for you, hooray!

In the meantime, someone has stolen the Cerulean from the box of Crayolas and I need a refill on my Ecto-Cooler, so it’s back to work I go!

 

 

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WTF WEEKLY 4/23– I don’t really want to know what gives a monkey an erection

By carrieshare | Published: April 23, 2012

 

Taxpayer dollars paid to fund a study that yeilded this result:

Other notable research finds from the Department of Completely Absurd and Altogether Useless Information include:

1. Coked up rats prefer to listen to Miles Davis.

2. Dieting Hamsters choose food over sex.

And from the Desk of Captain Obvious, this breakthrough…

1. Labs are stressful places for monkeys.

You can stay abreast on the latest  research findings here. 

I know I’ll be waiting with bated breath.

WHAT THE F*@K?!

 

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STUFF I HATE

By carrieshare | Published: April 18, 2012

 

Every once in a while I like to do a post solely dedicated to nouns (people, places and things) that I can’t stand. This is because I am a miserable person with severe misanthropic tendencies. duh.

Today’s post is on Ambiguous Questions that Have a Billion Answers but You Know the Person that Asked has Something Specific In Mind They Want You To Come Up With and Music Festival Fashion. 

1. Ambiguous Questions that Have a Billion Answers but You Know the Person that Asked has Something Specific In Mind They Want You To Come Up With.

I don’t like being tested.

The other day I met this dude out in Philly. He practiced hypnotism. Once he found out I was in theatre he started comparing his work in affecting the human mind to channel certain emotions, to what an actor does.  This was altogether very interesting, actually as I explained to him that rather than summoning emotions, the best way for an actor to have a truthful experience within a character’s circumstances is by focusing on the character’s intent. So the emotional response to a scene is only a byproduct of the intent, rather than vice versa blahbittyblahblahblah. Then he veered the conversation towards something else having to do with acting/hypnotism and I don’t exactly remember what,  I only remember that it ended with him asking me

“What does make believe mean to you?”

I fucking hate it when people ask that shit. You know they already have an answer in mind that they want you to psychically channel from them so they can then complete your sentence and feel like they have an otherworldy “connection” to you like in some cheesy rom com. What does make believe mean to me?

Heads up, Bucko, make believe doesn’t mean anything to me that it doesn’t mean to anyone else with a basic understanding of the english language.

Make Believe= Pretending something untrue is true, what the hell else would it mean?

I should have said that but instead I just stood there dumbfounded trying to figure out what conclusion he wanted me to come to. What poignant realization he wanted me to epiph (i make up words) so that he could then finish acting out his fantasies of being fucking Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society.

HATE.

I think I just mumbled something with the word pretend in it.

Then I went and found someone else to talk to. Someone to ask me questions they legitimately wanted to know my answers to. Blah.

2. Music Festival Fashion (or serious lack thereof)

 

I blame the celebrities. In the past couple of years Coachella has turned into the Vanity Fair Oscar Party for B/C List millenials–who, by the way, have no fashion sense anyway, but really seem to think they do.

For instance, I think Vanessa Hudgens thought she was invited to a Woodstock costume party.

 

 

Paris Hilton is 30 years old. Is anyone else as sick as I am of seeing her midriff?

 

And I bet she has some serious neck sweat going on.

Speaking of sweat…

 

Fur?????? It makes me uncomfortably hot just to look at it. Flo looks cute though. Well…for a music festival.

And then there’s Lindsay Lohan. She earning hours for her community service by helping to fertilize the lawn with her shoes.

 

Thanks for lookin’ out Linz!

Katy Perry can’t move because her dress is too tight.

She’s waiting for someone to pick up her cigarettes for her.

And finally there’s zombie Tupac.

He should probably pull his pants up, but at least he’s keeping cool!

In regards to music festivals, I leave you with these words of wisdom: Less is more. You’re gonna be a hot, sweaty, drunk mess, and your probably going to inevitably end up looking like one too, so …you know, whatever. Just know that feathers will not help the situation.

If you want to read about more things I hate, see here, here , here, and here. Told you I was mistanthropic.

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