Adverlawyering

 

 

Fig 1. Bad law

Fig 2. Bad ad

Last summer when I announced my decision to go on sabbatical from the real world in order to become a full-time law student it was met with understandable side eye. My close friends had known that it was an idea I had been incubating until the right time, but others were pretty stupefied. I had a fairly cushy, work from home if I wanted to,  position, and my clients were pretty cool, which almost never happens. Advertising is not the most lucrative position, but after years of scraping, I was freelancing on the side and was pretty financially comfortable going out most nights of the week.

Law school was such a seemingly unrelated, expensive, potentially useless career move that to some it made little sense. I mean, I was/am starting all over from square one. (Case in point: at the moment I am applying for unpaid internships. I am 30 years old).

Now it’s been a while since I’ve seen square one but its not a bad little place to hang out every once in a while. It tends to bring out the opportunistic idealist in all of us. (Case in point: I am applying for unpaid internships and am not totally hostile at the fact that they are unpaid because of the experience I stand to gain).

However, the further I get into my studies and understanding of the legal profession, the further I am realizing that advertising and law are kind of exactly, 100%, the same, except not. The language is different but the struggles are parallel.

Here is why*:

1. Advertising is primarily a client service industry.

If you don’t make clients happy, you don’t stay employed. In law, if you can’t make your clients happy, you won’t stay employed, either.

2. The billable hours are just as vast.

Christ if I could tell you the hours I used to work when I was a young, upstart account executive. Evenings, weekends, I occasionally even got up super early to get to the office and that is something I am pretty much abhorrently against.

Similarly, from my understanding, once you work at a big corporate law firm you are almost never heard from again.

3. The “work hard, play hard” mentality is thankfully also vast.

Of the people I know that can out drink my advertising friends, most of them are lawyers or lawyers-in-training. Thats a damn tall order too because you should see my advertising friends.

Additionally, never have I attended so many school-oriented functions that were centered around happy hour.

4. You work yourself to death for years to ultimately either make partner or go in-house.

yup.

5.  You speak in Greek.

This is a relatively inconsequential similarity, but often times advertising agencies will present concepts for mail pieces or artwork in which the copy is “greeked” in. This tactic is utilized to show the general layout, even if all the information needed to create the copy is not yet known.

Ex/ 

Therefore, advertising clients are often actually reading Greek, whereas legal clients just think they are.

Har har har.

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The Carrie Stardust guide to managing your rockstar lifestyle like a responsible adult

By Carrie Stardust

We have a saying in my band. We’re ‘good at life’; meaning that we’re all perfectly functioning adults.

We just really like making music, playing music, talking about music and making fun of each other. We also all have jobs. So it’s kind of a perfect combination of optimum band dynamics.

People are sometimes shocked when we show up to gigs 15 minutes early, ready to go. And then calmly and efficiently pack up all our gear at the end of the set and load the hell out.

HOWEVER. Don’t you think for a minute that this means that I am not a true fucking rockstar.

I go out pretty much every night, with a wide array of musicians, eccentrics and other creative personalities, I don’t have cable, and I can’t remember what day it is most of the time.  Also, notably, I play keyboards and sing in a rock band.

So regardless of what your definition of a rockstar life style is, that’s mine, and I’m living it.

But… health is of the essence…I’m going to be 30 (AHHHHHHHHHHH) in a few months and I don’t plan to spend it looking like Lindsay Lohan. Plus, I need to continue to be accountable, pay my bills on time, and go to the dentist regularly.

So I’ve managed to find a few ways to maximize fun, funds and general well-being, amidst my  life tendency to be broke, hungover and sleep deprived.

Here are those ways:

1. $12 COCKTAILS & $9 CRAFT BEERS ARE FOR DOUCHEBAGS

I’m not super picky about what I’m drinking. You shouldn’t be either.

Lately my go-to has been the City Wide Special which includes a shot of whiskey and a PBR for $3.

That’s 2 drinks for the price of one, people! Also..as far as efficiency is concerned– shots of whiskey will get the job done.

2. CHECK & BALANCE YOUR VICES

For each cigarette I smoke at night, I eat one serving of produce the following day.

I really don’t eat junk. Like ever. My “empty calories” are saved for alcohol. I try to make everything else that goes into my mouth  insanely nutritious and full of vitamins and minerals.  I don’t know if there’s any scientific evidence that this approach curbs the harmful effects of cigarettes and alcohol but it certainly can’t hurt.

Plus, did you know that people that eat the most fruits & vegetables have the best skin?

3. HYDRATION HYDRATION HYDRATION

I swear by Coconut Water & Emergen-C as the ultimate hangover cure. Coconut water is super expensive, which sucks, so I only get it maybe once or twice every two weeks, but I get the Rite-Aid brand of Emergen-C and drink one of those packets in water every day.

In fact, occasionally I’ll order vodka & water at a bar and then add a packet of Emergen-C to it–this goes back to my checks & balances system.

It hydrates while it intoxicates!

4. DRUGS ARE FOR DOUCHEBAGS

Stay away from them. Not only do they make you look & feel like shit, but they’re mad expensive. I hate to sound like Sally Guidance Counselor and obviously I don’t judge, but mehhh…they’re certainly not conducive to my rockstar lifestyle.

5. FOOD TRUCKS ARE YOUR FRIENDS

Particularly the produce food trucks. You can get a ginormo bag of grapes, pineapple, melon, berries PLUS a whole banana for $3! Thats 2-3 days worth of breakfasts to me, and something similar at Superfresh would be like seven bucks.

Also, egg & cheese sandwiches are like $2.50 and they’re like 9″ long. More than enough for 2 meals.

6. INVEST IN REALLY GOOD MOISTURIZER, BUT BUY MAKEUP FROM THE DRUGSTORE

I have really expensive anti-aging moisturizer and eye cream. Everything else I get from CVS. So far no one has noticed and I don’t have any wrinkles. I’m fine with this arrangement.

7. FLOSS

Ok so I don’t floss ALL the time but I know I should and I certainly try to.

8. CARRY EARPLUGS

Having just come back from a band tour, I can’t stress this enough. Ear plugs serve a dual purpose.  Not only do they protect your ears from really loud, shitty bands in rock clubs, but they also protect your ability to sleep in trying circumstances. Getting enough hours of sleep isn’t the only concern, the quality of sleep can make all the difference, and you never know where you might have to crash.

Ear plugs will keep you from waking up 17 times in 4 hours because your boyfriend won’t stop snoring, or because there’s feral cats outside of your hotel room, or your next door neighbor really likes buzzsawing at 7AM.

All of these things have happened to me, PS.

9. CAFFEINATE WITH COFFEE

Well, duh. Not only is coffee the ultimate energy-jolter, it also has mucho antioxidants. In fact, its the #1 source of antioxidants for the majority of the American population.

Occasionally I will grab a Red Bull or something but I try to go natural when I can.

10. GO FOR JUST ONE DRINK

The next time someone invites you out. Even if you’re exhausted, even if you haven’t showered, even if it’s midnight and you just got done unpacking all of your stuff (all of this has also happened to me), GO!

You never know who you might meet!  Your next  Foo Fighters night* could be just over the horizon!

If you have one drink and are still not feeling it. Go home. You have my blessing.

So there you have it…

Hey that’s 10 ways… Exactly..

Ehhh..that’s almost too well-packaged to be rockstar…I need to add another tip….

 

11. NEVER LISTEN TO THE BAND FUN

So lame.

So, so, so lame.

 

Andddddddddddd I’m off!

 

 

*Those spontaneous, incredible nights that remind you that you’re both mortal and still young. They also make you want to sing that song.

 

 

 

 

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Why I Don’t Lent

 

Occasionally I write on subject matter that could be construed as blasphemous. If that is not your speed then please stop reading here. Actually no, first hear me out; From a religious standpoint, if God did not want us to question things he wouldn’t have given us the ability to reason. Go ahead and marinade on that for a minute. Now you can stop reading.

Anyways, yesterday my best good friend Miz asked me what I was giving up for Lent.  It was only 25% serious as Miz knows I don’t celebrate Lent, but I told him my thoughts on it anyway:  I don’t believe in sacrifice for sacrifice’s sake. Giving something up purely  to experience suffering goes against my philosophy of making the most of the one life you have. And unless participating in Lent conditions you to be better prepared when you have to actually sacrifice with good reason–say in a fight for survival–(which it doesn’t) it’s absolutely pointless.

Miz’s eyes had completely glazed over by this point, but I’ve never been deterred by this.

I continued; While I don’t believe in superfluous suffering I do believe in overcoming fear. And that overcoming fear begets progress. Meaning that if giving up a reliance on something scares you, it’s probably good for your psyche and long-term mental health to feel like you’re accomplishing something and be proud of yourself.

But by that logic, you’re not suffering at all (which is moreorless the point of Lent, yes?) you’re actually benefitting by gaining more self-worth!

I was now talking only to the wall in the general direction where Miz had been standing previously, but I continued…unrelenting….

AND FURTHERMORE— for the sake of this argument lets say that Jesus Christ died in agony on the cross for all of our past, present and future sins thereby absolving us from similar fates. He suffered, explicitly, so that we do not have to, and isn’t it a big, fat, slap in the face  to not make the most of that?

That’s like me volunteering to go out of my way to get coffee for my entire office, and having a select few co-workers go out and get coffee for themselves at the same damn time–a waste of time and resources, not to mention insulting.

I told you I would borderline on blasphemous.  I can only imagine your reactions to me comparing the passion of the Christ to getting Starbucks, but it’s the only befitting analogy I can think of right now.

Regardless, this is why I don’t do Lent, man

And also, I am presbyterian.

 

 

 

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Stompin’ around the Mall

My summer look:

Key word: MINE. Not for you, so don’t get any ideas!

This past week I went stompin’ around the Mall….twice. I went in search of my summer look, and random other fashion inspiration for the upcoming season.  I love to shop but I don’t get to the mall very often, so the fact that this past week included two trips was unusual…and yet somehow completely unsuccessful.  Would it kill you, Macy’s, to have a pair of   Tiffany-blue, platform, suede pumps that are between 3″ and 4″ high and no higher??! I freakin’ hate suburban malls. This particular suburban mall is better than most, but every time I go it serves as a cruel reminder of how bland people are in the suburbs. What am I doing in the suburbs again? The cities have all the great finds.

Anyways..In my expanse of Mall experience this past week I decided that all the stores had stupid, awful names and I was going to rename them based on what they actually ought to be.

I will do that now.

i.e. FOREVER 34

or…PASTEL PRISON (but hey, arent those the same thing?)

i.e. SURELY THESE SLACKS WILL HELP ME MAKE PARTNER

Banana Republic is bland clothes that try really, really hard not to be exceedingly bland. Just minorly bland. Perfect for those up & coming legal professionals.

And then on the other hand we have…

or… CPAs R’ US 

They should just remarket themselves as a uniform depot for numbers-crunching assholes. I mean that’s ultimately what it is, right? Have you ever seen a Brooks Brothers blazer that didn’t look exactly like every other Brooks Brothers blazer you’d ever seen? I haven’t.

GHOST TOWN

Does anyone shop here anymore?  I legit think I saw a tumbleweed blow through here last week.

 

THE GAP

… I really don’t have any qualms against the Gap. You keep on keepin’ on, The Gap.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR SMELLS

I can’t be constantly tempted by cinnamon and buttery awesomeness while trying on jeans! Who designed this concept?

FOREVER 15 – 33

Ya’ll I’m not looking forward to when I have to “graduate” to the Loft. Good thing I still got another 6 years. Seriously where else are you going to find unique, non cookie-cutter items at such a low, low price point? I’m totally going to be like this bitch from Ab Fab and be 65 but claim I’m 39 and rock (around the clock) in my Forever 21 leopard print leggings. GFY.

THE GAP…FOR HIGH CLASS CALL GIRLS

not to be confused with

HO NAVY

Alright I’m bored doing this now. The point is…the mall can be fun.

But not if you actually buy anything there.

Like this? Like this.  

Posted in shopping & fashion, strong opinions | 3 Responses

AN ASSAULT ON SUBURBAN FASHION

I could go on a pretentious rant about what constitutes fashion and what doesn’t…but its too hot to sit here writing forever so I won’t.

Just know this:

There is fashion. And then there is suburban fashion. Which is…not really fashionable.

That being said,  most suburban fashion comes from a pretty legitimate place.  For the most part suburban fashion is high fashion, just 3 or 4 years after the fact.

To give you an example, here is a picture of Kate Moss wearing black tights, horizontal nautical stripes, and skinny jeans in April of  2006

Now if you reside around these parts you probably starting seeing a lot of skinny jeans in 2008. Black tights in 2009, and nautical stripes were huge around here last Summer.

That is the essence of suburban fashion. And there is nothing wrong with that.

To clarify, fashion, to me, is decided upon, created and cultivated by those actually employed in the high fashion industry. The best of the best of each season is then critiqued, discussed and covered by trained fashion journalists, modeled and worn by celebrities and other persons of influence and no matter what anyone says, Anna Wintour has the ultimate say.

There, now that we got that out of the way, I’m basically here today to skewer those brands and products that don’t have any basis in real fashion and yet somehow clueless  suburbanites snatch them up like free monogrammed L.L. Bean totes at a little league baseball game.

For instance:

Well…monogrammed L.L. Bean totes, for starters. Or anything by The North Face.

The only fashion statement you are making by wearing The North Face is that you:

A. Have enough money to shell out $150 for a fleece.

B. Spend your free time camping and hiking.

If you’re trying to make any more of a statement than that by wearing The North Face you’re doing it wrong.

But The North Face is quality gear, for outdoorsy types and is not untasteful in the slightest…same with L.L. Bean so I can’t get too caught up on that.

What really grinds my gears are the brands and products (and eyesores) marketed illegitimately as fashionable, and then coveted blindly by misguided naive surburbanites as such.

PUBLIC OFFENDER #1

VERA BRADLEY

When have you ever seen a Vera Bradley anything covered by any reputable fashion source? You haven’t. Does Victoria Beckham sit front row at Chanel with her Vera Bradley key ring? Fuck no.

And that is because if Posh and her contemporaries wanted a bag that looked like it was stitched by Betsey Ross and her colonial quilting ilk they’d just invent a damn time machine.

And yet suburb-dwelling women everywhere would wipe their ass with Vera Bradley toilet paper if it matched their favorite print.

That being said, If pastel colors and epileptic-seizure-inducing prints are your thing…fine. But if you’re buying it to be fashionable… it’s not fine.

PUBLIC OFFENDER #2

LILY PULITZER

Everything I said about the pastel colors and seizure inducing prints.

Also.. pink & green.. fucking pink & green… fucking pink & green has thrown up on every single one of your collections since 1986 when pink & green was actually a relevant color combination.

Furthermore, there are only 2 acceptable occasions to wear Lily Pulitzer.

1. To a luau in fiji

2. To church on Easter with your big offensive pastel hat.

PUBLIC OFFENDER #3

JUDITH  LEIBER

This owl purse (which by the way is only slightly larger than my fist) is over $2,000. It will not carry much but by golly you’ll be carrying a bedazzled owl around and what could be better than that feeling?

They infamously made fun of this in a great Sex & The City episode. Carrie Bradshaw didn’t want one either.

Now if someone were to give me one of these as a gift I probably wouldn’t turn it down, but that is because I’ve never owned an accessory that cost over a grand, or an accessory this completely useless!

Now that’s killing two birds with 1 rhinestone.

—-

But hey, what do I know? You keep on keepin’ on suburbanites. If you like ticky tacky accouterment, by all means have at it…

Just know that Anna will be judging you when you meet her at the gates of heaven.

Posted in shopping & fashion | Tagged , , | 7 Responses

THE TOP 10 GREATEST YACHT ROCK ANTHEMS OF ALL TIME

As decided upon by Carrie Stardust.

Of course I use the word “anthem” in the ironic sense. As anyone familiar with Yacht Rock can attest.

For those of you not familiar with the term, don’t despair. I have only recently come across it thanks to my good friend Shawn Kilroy. Remember all those Soft Rock hits from the 80s that conjure up serene images of putting on your Sperry loafers and taking the yacht out for a spin around the marina with only the latest Bret Easton Ellis, a couple of strippers and an eighth of cocaine to pass the afternoon?

THAT’S YACHT ROCK!

Michael McDonald, The Doobie Bros, Hall & Oates, Kenny Loggins, etc. Get it, got it?

The term yacht rock was coined in 1990 after some music journalist realized that a lot of the songs had nautical references (Sailing by Christopher Cross for example. Which, much like  Your Kiss, Your Kiss, is decidedly NOT on my list). And then back in 2005 there was a web series called Yacht Rock that parodied the whole movement.

So there’s the back story, so without further adieu, I present

THE TOP 10 GREATEST YACHT ROCK ANTHEMS OF ALL TIME.

#10: “Share Sweet Freedom” Michael McDonald

What the hell movie was this from? The video stars Billy Crystal & Gregory Hines in addition to Michael McDonald and all of his hot & hairy blue-eyed glory. I remember jamming out to this with the wind streaming through my hair riding down the highway in the backseat of my mom’s old Mazda, or whatever the hell she drove in 1986. I was probably in my car seat come to think of it.  Nostalgia, man, its powerful stuff.

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It’s been a minute..(Carrie Share covers The Onion)

I am long overdue for a blog post. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of stories on theonion.com and have decided that I want to write an Onion story. Besides, its a great exercise in navigating the inverted pyramid  and a good reason to dust off the ole’ 2002 AP Style Guide I got in college.

Disclaimer: This is totally made up and  no doubt chock full of egregious errors in geography, lifestyle, and pretty much everything else. Fuck off.

Here goes:

7th Degree of Kevin Bacon almost discovered off remote island in Equatorial Guinea

MBINI, E.G. –  Anthropologists today discovered new evidence in the existence of a still-living 7th degree of  Kevin Bacon in MuonDang ShimShim, 89.  Scientific thought has traditionally maintained that any degrees beyond 6th would simultaneously defy the laws of physics and jeopardize human existence, while discrediting the eponymous party game.

ShimShim is a member of the Ndowe tribe, which habitates primarily on a remote island off the coast of Equatorial Guinea. The Ndowe are  recognized in anthropological circles for their disregard for electricity, running water and access to common comforts of modern life.  Among tribal members ShimShim displays the least social activity and strongest distaste for outsiders.

“We believe it’s a combination of his general misanthropic tendencies and isolation from the developed world that has made this possible,” says Anthropologist Gary Howard, “One might say that it’s the perfect storm of contributing factors.”

ShimShim’s third-cousin’s wife has an acquaintance from a fellow tribe on the mainland that was once visited by a team of American missionaries who entertained them with a production of Jesus Christ Superstar, featuring Margaret Swenson as Mary Magdalene. Prior to joining the missionaries, Margaret worked odd jobs in Los Angeles and once attended a call for extras needed for the movie Hellraiser. She was not used, but did meet fellow extra Daniel Baleen who was eventually also cast as an extra in Ghostbusters, co-starring Annie Potts, who also starred in Pretty in Pink with Jon Cryer, who co-starred with Charlie Sheen on the television series Two and a Half Men, who was married to Denise Richards who starred in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon.

In an ironic twist, once the series of degrees was traced back to ShimShim by American anthropologists he immediately lost two whole degrees after having made their aquaintance.

“He lasted for a long time, though. This story is truly remarkable,” says Howard.

Anthropologists have since given up hope in finding another 7th degree after realizing that upon discovery, it would likely cease to exist.

New Study: 89% of adults world-wide wish to spend more time on a Moon Bounce

OSLO, Norway – Scientists this week released new findings in a world-wide study concluding that a full 89% of the world’s adults would like to play on a Moon Bounce. This evaluation was gathered after a 5 years of random sampling from Norwegian scientists of adults 18 and over from countries all over the world.

“This is an explosive finding in the scientific community,” says Scientist Verneen Bjornface, “To have this many of the world’s adults all in agreement over anything is seemingly impossible. The moon bounce is clearly a very powerful entity and it’s powers are only just beginning to be understood.”

The intrinsic value in the Moon Bounce, according to scientists, is amusement and fun, and while they are often frequented by children, adults tend to shy away out of embarrassment in deriving so much pleasure in a child’s plaything.

“I just hate that I never got a chance to play in one as a kid  and now I’m too old for it. I feel seriously jipped,” says one test subject who chose to remain nameless.

Bjornface and his team hope to change this.

“We believe that the mutual love of these helium-filled inflatable structures could help usher world leaders into a solution for global peace, and forge new alliances with the world’s children.” he said.

His first course of action will be working with city planners to add a stadium-sized adult Moon Bounce to every major world-wide metropolis by 2014.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Response

I am obsessed with Zombies

Yesterday, from approximately 3pm to 10pm I watched the entire first season of The Walking Dead.

I am now obsessed with zombies, and the pending zombie apocalypse. This morning I took this quiz to see how I might fare. The above image is my result. I guess I am okay with this, although it is not ideal.

It only means I need to be that much stronger and tougher. It’s true that few things inspire me to exercise more than apocalypse-centered programming. It’s also true that I spent yesterday intermittently doing bouts of push ups and sit ups.

Today I am sore, but that much more resilient.

My inspiration is Linda Hamilton in T2–she was one bad-ass  bitch. The only difference between us is her ferocious instinct to protect her son VS. my ferocious instinct to protect my puppy lady.

To give you just a slight idea of the preciousness, here is the puppy lady last Christmas.

She must be protected at all costs.

I’ve already decided I’m going to travel with her in my backpack so I can sprint as needed. Her legs are short. Although she will come in handy when it comes to catching game.

Anyways, this is fun for me to dwell on and it excites my long dormant sense of adventure. But seriously, I have been trying to adapt my eating and exercising sensibilities towards survival. You know, instead of just sedentary pleasure. Humans in the last century or so have had it all too comfortable, and all too easy in a general sense as compared to previous generations. Everything is pretty much conveyor-belted to us a la the humanoids in WALL-E.

And while I have delighted in this for the last 27 years, I have decided not to, anymore, and have thereby come up with a plan to attack (no pun intended) the overabundance of laziness

INTRODUCING:

The Zombie Apocalypse Diet & Fitness Regimen

for Optimum Health & Wellness

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I GOT NOTHIN’ (Creepy Alpaca Post)

Since I pretty much have nothing to say because I drank too much this weekend and am significantly stupider I thought we could all have fun laughing at how creepy alpacas are!

Love me some alpacas!

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WTF Weekly 5/13- THE SPECIAL DOUBLE FEATURE

Today I want to celebrate ideas; The vanguards of invention. The pioneers of progress.  The plural ambiguously symbolic words of other singular ambiguously metaphysical words….I think that’s Thoreau.

Ideas are limitless. And like a swift kick in the shins they are best served out of nowhere. Some are big, some are small and also like a swift kick in the shins some are just plain painful.  I was fortunate enough to come across two such ideas this week that beg me to ask the question: If stupid is as stupid does, and stupid does as stupid is, then does stupid get stupider than this stupid can I say the word stupid anymore piece of stupid mess that vibrates the ether with stupidity?

Many thanks to  KC for this tip off.

Meet My Pee Pee Bottle

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