How to win friends and influence people with cocktails

 

That is such a baiting headline I’m kind of ashamed of myself but moving on…

We live in the age of Facebook Image Crafting, and because of it people seem to think that the best way to earn respect and admiration is to be perfect. Hence, they plaster their social media feeds with filtered images of their perfect relationships, perfect kids, perfect dinners, perfect pinterest crafting projects, etc.

And dude–I’m all about boosting my self-esteem via social media, so I get it. I mean, who really wants to cop to how fucked up and flummoxing life is? Not I, said the millennial.

But when it comes to earning admiration and respect, you’re doing it wrong. Perfection does not garner admiration, it garners jealousy…which, technically, is admiration but with an added pinch of disdain.

Haters be jealous, but if you want admirers you need to have sparing chinks in your otherwise pristine armor. And you need to draw sparing attention to them, too.

Anyways, I’m writing on this subject because basically I’m just really pissed that people still seem to hate Anne Hathaway. She’s a perfectly acceptable actress, she’s aesthetically pleasing to look at, and she is poised and articulate. And, unfortunately,  just a little too put together to be perceived as “real”.

Anne Hathaway is that frenemy you follow on instagram who is thinner and richer (translation: better) than you, and you really fucking hate her because you want to be thinner and richer too.

You are jealous of Anne Hathaway. You can not relate to Anne Hathaway.

Jennifer Lawrence is that friend you follow on instagram who is thinner and richer but curses regularly, drinks beer and falls on her ass.

You admire Jennifer Lawrence. You are just so sure that you and Jennifer Lawrence would totally be besties if you met.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The irony is that I’m almost certain that Jennifer Lawrence’s persona is more “crafted” than Anne’s. Honestly, I think they’re both pretty chill people with half a brain. The only difference is maybe that Jennifer is more comfortable broadcasting vulnerability in the form of embarrassing herself and seeming a little crass. That’s really all…but  that is also precisely why proper Facebook image crafting requires a willingness to be perfect-ish, and then post a picture of a big coffee or spaghetti stain on your shirt because you spilled. This is the social media version of the “Celebrities! They’re just like us!” column in the tabloids.

I’ve simplified this further with a cocktail recipe below.

Thus:

An adoring public cocktail:

3.5  parts elegance

1 part total mess.

Serve slightly inaccessible and chilled but, by no means, frigid.

Feel free to substitute soda for elegance and whiskey for total mess. It’s actually quite metaphorical.

Also, this ratio skewers slightly the higher-brow your public function is. Actresses, for instance, are different than first ladies and diplomats, who should probably max out at .5 part total mess. Still, the money’s in the mess, as long as it’s proportionate.

If you have too much mess people will laugh at you (Tara Reid or that friend you have that posts something like this :”That’s it I’m so over it.”).

And…y’know be thankful either way for, like, the gift of life. Whether you’re more high-flying hated like Anne or adored like Jlaw at least you’re not fucking ridiculous like Kristin Stewart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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