Stompin’ around the Mall

My summer look:

Key word: MINE. Not for you, so don’t get any ideas!

This past week I went stompin’ around the Mall….twice. I went in search of my summer look, and random other fashion inspiration for the upcoming season.  I love to shop but I don’t get to the mall very often, so the fact that this past week included two trips was unusual…and yet somehow completely unsuccessful.  Would it kill you, Macy’s, to have a pair of   Tiffany-blue, platform, suede pumps that are between 3″ and 4″ high and no higher??! I freakin’ hate suburban malls. This particular suburban mall is better than most, but every time I go it serves as a cruel reminder of how bland people are in the suburbs. What am I doing in the suburbs again? The cities have all the great finds.

Anyways..In my expanse of Mall experience this past week I decided that all the stores had stupid, awful names and I was going to rename them based on what they actually ought to be.

I will do that now.

i.e. FOREVER 34

or…PASTEL PRISON (but hey, arent those the same thing?)


Banana Republic is bland clothes that try really, really hard not to be exceedingly bland. Just minorly bland. Perfect for those up & coming legal professionals.

And then on the other hand we have…

or… CPAs R’ US 

They should just remarket themselves as a uniform depot for numbers-crunching assholes. I mean that’s ultimately what it is, right? Have you ever seen a Brooks Brothers blazer that didn’t look exactly like every other Brooks Brothers blazer you’d ever seen? I haven’t.


Does anyone shop here anymore?  I legit think I saw a tumbleweed blow through here last week.



… I really don’t have any qualms against the Gap. You keep on keepin’ on, The Gap.


I can’t be constantly tempted by cinnamon and buttery awesomeness while trying on jeans! Who designed this concept?

FOREVER 15 – 33

Ya’ll I’m not looking forward to when I have to “graduate” to the Loft. Good thing I still got another 6 years. Seriously where else are you going to find unique, non cookie-cutter items at such a low, low price point? I’m totally going to be like this bitch from Ab Fab and be 65 but claim I’m 39 and rock (around the clock) in my Forever 21 leopard print leggings. GFY.


not to be confused with


Alright I’m bored doing this now. The point is…the mall can be fun.

But not if you actually buy anything there.

Like this? Like this.  

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I could go on a pretentious rant about what constitutes fashion and what doesn’t…but its too hot to sit here writing forever so I won’t.

Just know this:

There is fashion. And then there is suburban fashion. Which is…not really fashionable.

That being said,  most suburban fashion comes from a pretty legitimate place.  For the most part suburban fashion is high fashion, just 3 or 4 years after the fact.

To give you an example, here is a picture of Kate Moss wearing black tights, horizontal nautical stripes, and skinny jeans in April of  2006

Now if you reside around these parts you probably starting seeing a lot of skinny jeans in 2008. Black tights in 2009, and nautical stripes were huge around here last Summer.

That is the essence of suburban fashion. And there is nothing wrong with that.

To clarify, fashion, to me, is decided upon, created and cultivated by those actually employed in the high fashion industry. The best of the best of each season is then critiqued, discussed and covered by trained fashion journalists, modeled and worn by celebrities and other persons of influence and no matter what anyone says, Anna Wintour has the ultimate say.

There, now that we got that out of the way, I’m basically here today to skewer those brands and products that don’t have any basis in real fashion and yet somehow clueless  suburbanites snatch them up like free monogrammed L.L. Bean totes at a little league baseball game.

For instance:

Well…monogrammed L.L. Bean totes, for starters. Or anything by The North Face.

The only fashion statement you are making by wearing The North Face is that you:

A. Have enough money to shell out $150 for a fleece.

B. Spend your free time camping and hiking.

If you’re trying to make any more of a statement than that by wearing The North Face you’re doing it wrong.

But The North Face is quality gear, for outdoorsy types and is not untasteful in the slightest…same with L.L. Bean so I can’t get too caught up on that.

What really grinds my gears are the brands and products (and eyesores) marketed illegitimately as fashionable, and then coveted blindly by misguided naive surburbanites as such.



When have you ever seen a Vera Bradley anything covered by any reputable fashion source? You haven’t. Does Victoria Beckham sit front row at Chanel with her Vera Bradley key ring? Fuck no.

And that is because if Posh and her contemporaries wanted a bag that looked like it was stitched by Betsey Ross and her colonial quilting ilk they’d just invent a damn time machine.

And yet suburb-dwelling women everywhere would wipe their ass with Vera Bradley toilet paper if it matched their favorite print.

That being said, If pastel colors and epileptic-seizure-inducing prints are your thing…fine. But if you’re buying it to be fashionable… it’s not fine.



Everything I said about the pastel colors and seizure inducing prints.

Also.. pink & green.. fucking pink & green… fucking pink & green has thrown up on every single one of your collections since 1986 when pink & green was actually a relevant color combination.

Furthermore, there are only 2 acceptable occasions to wear Lily Pulitzer.

1. To a luau in fiji

2. To church on Easter with your big offensive pastel hat.



This owl purse (which by the way is only slightly larger than my fist) is over $2,000. It will not carry much but by golly you’ll be carrying a bedazzled owl around and what could be better than that feeling?

They infamously made fun of this in a great Sex & The City episode. Carrie Bradshaw didn’t want one either.

Now if someone were to give me one of these as a gift I probably wouldn’t turn it down, but that is because I’ve never owned an accessory that cost over a grand, or an accessory this completely useless!

Now that’s killing two birds with 1 rhinestone.


But hey, what do I know? You keep on keepin’ on suburbanites. If you like ticky tacky accouterment, by all means have at it…

Just know that Anna will be judging you when you meet her at the gates of heaven.

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As decided upon by Carrie Stardust.

Of course I use the word “anthem” in the ironic sense. As anyone familiar with Yacht Rock can attest.

For those of you not familiar with the term, don’t despair. I have only recently come across it thanks to my good friend Shawn Kilroy. Remember all those Soft Rock hits from the 80s that conjure up serene images of putting on your Sperry loafers and taking the yacht out for a spin around the marina with only the latest Bret Easton Ellis, a couple of strippers and an eighth of cocaine to pass the afternoon?


Michael McDonald, The Doobie Bros, Hall & Oates, Kenny Loggins, etc. Get it, got it?

The term yacht rock was coined in 1990 after some music journalist realized that a lot of the songs had nautical references (Sailing by Christopher Cross for example. Which, much like  Your Kiss, Your Kiss, is decidedly NOT on my list). And then back in 2005 there was a web series called Yacht Rock that parodied the whole movement.

So there’s the back story, so without further adieu, I present


#10: “Share Sweet Freedom” Michael McDonald

What the hell movie was this from? The video stars Billy Crystal & Gregory Hines in addition to Michael McDonald and all of his hot & hairy blue-eyed glory. I remember jamming out to this with the wind streaming through my hair riding down the highway in the backseat of my mom’s old Mazda, or whatever the hell she drove in 1986. I was probably in my car seat come to think of it.  Nostalgia, man, its powerful stuff.

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It’s been a minute..(Carrie Share covers The Onion)

I am long overdue for a blog post. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of stories on and have decided that I want to write an Onion story. Besides, its a great exercise in navigating the inverted pyramid  and a good reason to dust off the ole’ 2002 AP Style Guide I got in college.

Disclaimer: This is totally made up and  no doubt chock full of egregious errors in geography, lifestyle, and pretty much everything else. Fuck off.

Here goes:

7th Degree of Kevin Bacon almost discovered off remote island in Equatorial Guinea

MBINI, E.G. –  Anthropologists today discovered new evidence in the existence of a still-living 7th degree of  Kevin Bacon in MuonDang ShimShim, 89.  Scientific thought has traditionally maintained that any degrees beyond 6th would simultaneously defy the laws of physics and jeopardize human existence, while discrediting the eponymous party game.

ShimShim is a member of the Ndowe tribe, which habitates primarily on a remote island off the coast of Equatorial Guinea. The Ndowe are  recognized in anthropological circles for their disregard for electricity, running water and access to common comforts of modern life.  Among tribal members ShimShim displays the least social activity and strongest distaste for outsiders.

“We believe it’s a combination of his general misanthropic tendencies and isolation from the developed world that has made this possible,” says Anthropologist Gary Howard, “One might say that it’s the perfect storm of contributing factors.”

ShimShim’s third-cousin’s wife has an acquaintance from a fellow tribe on the mainland that was once visited by a team of American missionaries who entertained them with a production of Jesus Christ Superstar, featuring Margaret Swenson as Mary Magdalene. Prior to joining the missionaries, Margaret worked odd jobs in Los Angeles and once attended a call for extras needed for the movie Hellraiser. She was not used, but did meet fellow extra Daniel Baleen who was eventually also cast as an extra in Ghostbusters, co-starring Annie Potts, who also starred in Pretty in Pink with Jon Cryer, who co-starred with Charlie Sheen on the television series Two and a Half Men, who was married to Denise Richards who starred in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon.

In an ironic twist, once the series of degrees was traced back to ShimShim by American anthropologists he immediately lost two whole degrees after having made their aquaintance.

“He lasted for a long time, though. This story is truly remarkable,” says Howard.

Anthropologists have since given up hope in finding another 7th degree after realizing that upon discovery, it would likely cease to exist.

New Study: 89% of adults world-wide wish to spend more time on a Moon Bounce

OSLO, Norway – Scientists this week released new findings in a world-wide study concluding that a full 89% of the world’s adults would like to play on a Moon Bounce. This evaluation was gathered after a 5 years of random sampling from Norwegian scientists of adults 18 and over from countries all over the world.

“This is an explosive finding in the scientific community,” says Scientist Verneen Bjornface, “To have this many of the world’s adults all in agreement over anything is seemingly impossible. The moon bounce is clearly a very powerful entity and it’s powers are only just beginning to be understood.”

The intrinsic value in the Moon Bounce, according to scientists, is amusement and fun, and while they are often frequented by children, adults tend to shy away out of embarrassment in deriving so much pleasure in a child’s plaything.

“I just hate that I never got a chance to play in one as a kid  and now I’m too old for it. I feel seriously jipped,” says one test subject who chose to remain nameless.

Bjornface and his team hope to change this.

“We believe that the mutual love of these helium-filled inflatable structures could help usher world leaders into a solution for global peace, and forge new alliances with the world’s children.” he said.

His first course of action will be working with city planners to add a stadium-sized adult Moon Bounce to every major world-wide metropolis by 2014.

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I am obsessed with Zombies

Yesterday, from approximately 3pm to 10pm I watched the entire first season of The Walking Dead.

I am now obsessed with zombies, and the pending zombie apocalypse. This morning I took this quiz to see how I might fare. The above image is my result. I guess I am okay with this, although it is not ideal.

It only means I need to be that much stronger and tougher. It’s true that few things inspire me to exercise more than apocalypse-centered programming. It’s also true that I spent yesterday intermittently doing bouts of push ups and sit ups.

Today I am sore, but that much more resilient.

My inspiration is Linda Hamilton in T2–she was one bad-ass  bitch. The only difference between us is her ferocious instinct to protect her son VS. my ferocious instinct to protect my puppy lady.

To give you just a slight idea of the preciousness, here is the puppy lady last Christmas.

She must be protected at all costs.

I’ve already decided I’m going to travel with her in my backpack so I can sprint as needed. Her legs are short. Although she will come in handy when it comes to catching game.

Anyways, this is fun for me to dwell on and it excites my long dormant sense of adventure. But seriously, I have been trying to adapt my eating and exercising sensibilities towards survival. You know, instead of just sedentary pleasure. Humans in the last century or so have had it all too comfortable, and all too easy in a general sense as compared to previous generations. Everything is pretty much conveyor-belted to us a la the humanoids in WALL-E.

And while I have delighted in this for the last 27 years, I have decided not to, anymore, and have thereby come up with a plan to attack (no pun intended) the overabundance of laziness


The Zombie Apocalypse Diet & Fitness Regimen

for Optimum Health & Wellness

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I GOT NOTHIN’ (Creepy Alpaca Post)

Since I pretty much have nothing to say because I drank too much this weekend and am significantly stupider I thought we could all have fun laughing at how creepy alpacas are!

Love me some alpacas!

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Today I want to celebrate ideas; The vanguards of invention. The pioneers of progress.  The plural ambiguously symbolic words of other singular ambiguously metaphysical words….I think that’s Thoreau.

Ideas are limitless. And like a swift kick in the shins they are best served out of nowhere. Some are big, some are small and also like a swift kick in the shins some are just plain painful.  I was fortunate enough to come across two such ideas this week that beg me to ask the question: If stupid is as stupid does, and stupid does as stupid is, then does stupid get stupider than this stupid can I say the word stupid anymore piece of stupid mess that vibrates the ether with stupidity?

Many thanks to  KC for this tip off.

Meet My Pee Pee Bottle

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Stuff I Hate


And now for another rousing edition of Stuff I Hate.

Today’s topics are  “Fascist Cars,” “I’m a Mom’ers,” and “Foie Gras”

Fascist Cars

I don’t like to be told what to do. I straight-out abhor being told what to do most of the time. So you can imagine my fury at being forced to sacrifice my  freedom by my fascist car.  I’m talking about how whenever I don’t put on my seatbelt I am then subjected to an incessant beeping noise until I finally relent to buckling up. Really Ford? I know this happens in a lot of new cars and I think it’s terrible. What if I’m feeling risky and want to put my fate in God’s hands a little bit. What If I can’t be bothered to buckle up because I’m just moving my car across the parking lot. What if I just plain don’t want to? As a mature, legal adult shouldn’t I be trusted to make that decision for myself?

Ford, are you saying that I am not smart or capable enough to make my own decisions regarding my own damn life?

Isn’t this precisely what our founding fathers protested against?

I guess I can respect this purely on a marketing level in that if you annoy people into buckling up that presumably means that less people will die behind the wheel of your vehicle and that equates to less bad PR.

But still, I consider it a violation of my first amendment rights and you will be hearing from my lawyer!

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The Sky Mall Catalog– Escapism for the new economy

Does anyone know of anyone that has ever actually ordered anything out of the sky mall catalog? I certainly don’t.

Maybe I should phrase this a different way…

Does anyone know of anyone that has ever owned a Lord of The Rings Decoder Pin, a solar paneled pencil sharpener that also records conversations, a voice-activated portable R2D2?


I know that this catalog has been around for longer than I remember. And yet, everything they sell is completely irreverent, unnecessary, and often times foolish. In an amusing way– which is likely why they are still around and definitely making more money than I am.

I was so intrigued by this the last time I was on an airplane that I swiped one from my seat back pocket. And it got me thinking. Perhaps when your stock options have been depreciated to 1/1000th of their previous value, a little ridiculous luxury can go along way.

Take for instance  “Fernando” the life-sized Chihuahua statue.

102883168dI mean lets face it, a chihuahua named Fernando is on everyones wish list.  Now I may not be able to afford the costs of dog ownership, but for $24.95 I can snuggle up to his designer resin fur night after night. And what a deal! For $45 I can have two Fernandos! One for me and one to share with a friend.

Moving on.

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