The Sky Mall Catalog– Escapism for the new economy

Does anyone know of anyone that has ever actually ordered anything out of the sky mall catalog? I certainly don’t.

Maybe I should phrase this a different way…

Does anyone know of anyone that has ever owned a Lord of The Rings Decoder Pin, a solar paneled pencil sharpener that also records conversations, a voice-activated portable R2D2?


I know that this catalog has been around for longer than I remember. And yet, everything they sell is completely irreverent, unnecessary, and often times foolish. In an amusing way– which is likely why they are still around and definitely making more money than I am.

I was so intrigued by this the last time I was on an airplane that I swiped one from my seat back pocket. And it got me thinking. Perhaps when your stock options have been depreciated to 1/1000th of their previous value, a little ridiculous luxury can go along way.

Take for instance  “Fernando” the life-sized Chihuahua statue.

102883168dI mean lets face it, a chihuahua named Fernando is on everyones wish list.  Now I may not be able to afford the costs of dog ownership, but for $24.95 I can snuggle up to his designer resin fur night after night. And what a deal! For $45 I can have two Fernandos! One for me and one to share with a friend.

Moving on.


The World’s Largest Crossword Puzzle is especially helpful on those long winter nights when I can’t afford to go out and get drunk, my cable has been turned off, and I need something to occupy my time. It will also increase my vocabulary and make me smarter.

Thanks Sky Mall you’ve done it again!

And this is where we come to a halt. This vest.


This vest is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. As Howard Roark says, function over form, but I am certain Howard Roark would not wear this vest, as no one actually needs to carry this much stuff in this many pockets. This is what carry-ons are for. And did I mention that is really ugly? No, Sky Mall, no.

Luckily the next page Sky Mall was able to redeem itself with this eplilepsy robe.

Yukata Robe

The clash of colors, the circus of  patterns, my brain and eyes are so confused that I have forgotten all about my overdue electric bill. Many, many thanks. I’ll take 3.

And then there’s the lamp. Ahhh, the lamp. The opus of nonsensical catalog offerings. This one is not for the faint of heart, and it will cost you a pretty penny. But put this up in your living room and watch as your guests shy away in  amazement. Witness their nervous glances of sheer wonderment upon beholding something so Chic and decapitated. I love lamp.

Chic Decapitated Lamp Lady

This is, of course, just a small slice of  the  Sky Mall product pie. But I sure sleep well at night knowing that no matter what–there will always be an outlet for some incredibly brilliant person who clearly must be very very busy to display and market their  dysfunctionally glorious contraption.

Now excuse me while I go pay my electric bill.

This entry was posted in arbitrary and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. AaronPharma
    Posted July 28, 2009 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    I actually own that lamp and have grown quite fond of it over the years. It gets me through those long winters in NJ.

  2. Jeff
    Posted July 29, 2009 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    I think that you would look pretty fab in that Epilepsy Robe.

  3. carrieshare
    Posted July 29, 2009 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

    Jeff- I think you would look great in some jumpin jammerz:

One Trackback

  • By MATERIALISM & ME: A LOVE STORY on February 10, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    […] or baseball cards, crazy weirdo stuff that you can only get from seedy novelty stores or from here . I don’t […]

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>


Follow me