Yesterday, from approximately 3pm to 10pm I watched the entire first season of The Walking Dead.

I am now obsessed with zombies, and the pending zombie apocalypse. This morning I took this quiz to see how I might fare. The above image is my result. I guess I am okay with this, although it is not ideal.

It only means I need to be that much stronger and tougher. It’s true that few things inspire me to exercise more than apocalypse-centered programming. It’s also true that I spent yesterday intermittently doing bouts of push ups and sit ups.

Today I am sore, but that much more resilient.

My inspiration is Linda Hamilton in T2–she was one bad-ass  bitch. The only difference between us is her ferocious instinct to protect her son VS. my ferocious instinct to protect my puppy lady.

To give you just a slight idea of the preciousness, here is the puppy lady last Christmas.

She must be protected at all costs.

I’ve already decided I’m going to travel with her in my backpack so I can sprint as needed. Her legs are short. Although she will come in handy when it comes to catching game.

Anyways, this is fun for me to dwell on and it excites my long dormant sense of adventure. But seriously, I have been trying to adapt my eating and exercising sensibilities towards survival. You know, instead of just sedentary pleasure. Humans in the last century or so have had it all too comfortable, and all too easy in a general sense as compared to previous generations. Everything is pretty much conveyor-belted to us a la the humanoids in WALL-E.

And while I have delighted in this for the last 27 years, I have decided not to, anymore, and have thereby come up with a plan to attack (no pun intended) the overabundance of laziness

INTRODUCING:

The Zombie Apocalypse Diet & Fitness Regimen

for Optimum Health & Wellness

Rule #1

Do not eat unless you are legitimately hungry. Stop before you are full.

You know what fuels humans. Food. You know what slows humans downs? Too much food. You know what zombies love? Fat, slow, human flesh.

If choosing between a wide victim and a slim victim, the zombie will no doubt go for the wide one. Don’t be the wide one.

Rule #2

When eating, always ask yourself: Will it make you stronger and/or faster? If it won’t don’t eat it (or eat very sparingly).

After the apocalypse, when food is scarce you may be forced to subsist on packaged goods and processed pastries. Until then, it is best to do everything possible to fuel your body most efficiently. You’ll want to make sure your vitamin stores are high on Z-Day, because they are only going to get depleted.

You can do this most healthfully with produce, protein, and complex carbs. Together they build muscle, fight disease, and enhance organ function–all vital to survival and thwarting zombies.

Rule # 3

You’re gonna need more than the treadmill.

While I cannot overstate the importance of cardio, skip the machines in favor of rougher, real terrain as it is unlikely that you will be able to elliptical yourself away from charging zombies. Run, go running, outside… and alternate slower jogs with sprints in order to strengthen both fast and slow-twitch muscle fibers.

But do NOT rely entirely on cardio. You never know when your life will be dependent on hanging on to a railing overlooking a moshpit of hungry zombies. And then pulling yourself back up from that railing, using sheer, brute strength.

Pushups, pullups, situps, free weights. Once again, skip the machines and try to focus on activities that mimic those you would do in real life escapes (like rock climbing for example).

Rule #4

Invest in a good pair of cargo pants.

I don’t know why, but it seems like people facing constant and imminent threats to their survival should wear cargo pants. It seems the most sensible.

You could argue that these are all reasonable rules for health and weight loss, and yes they are. But–some of us just need that extra motivation. Like long-term survival, in the face of impending zombie takeover.

And seriously though, why should we take for granted that our lives should be this easy and convenient forever. Best be prepared in the wake of disaster. We get too caught up in the difference between, say, size 6 and size 4, and forget that what we’re really trying to do is make the most of our lives while we have them. And being healthy and strong will only add to our life satisfaction, whether we’re facing zombies, or rabid monkeys, or the robots, or aliens or what have you…

My point is, feel free to amend this plan based on whatever threat you feel to be most impending in human extinction…just put down the donuts.

Or don’t.

The puppy lady and I will be just fine, either way.