Today I want to celebrate ideas; The vanguards of invention. The pioneers of progress. The plural ambiguously symbolic words of other singular ambiguously metaphysical words….I think that’s Thoreau.
Ideas are limitless. And like a swift kick in the shins they are best served out of nowhere. Some are big, some are small and also like a swift kick in the shins some are just plain painful. I was fortunate enough to come across two such ideas this week that beg me to ask the question: If stupid is as stupid does, and stupid does as stupid is, then does stupid get stupider than this stupid can I say the word stupid anymore piece of stupid mess that vibrates the ether with stupidity?
Many thanks to KC for this tip off.
Meet My Pee Pee Bottle
It’s a fucking water bottle. FOR ME TO PISS ON! I wonder how long this lady carried around a nalgene filled with excrement before she decided to scratch off the word nalgene, scratch on the word My Pee Pee Bottle and start selling it on youtube.
Lets get this straight. Lets say Little Sally* and I are at the fair, you know, because only trashy people go to fairs. Little Sally has to pee pee. And since its so abhorrently unhygienic to use the public facilities, instead I’ll just have her pop a squat over MY PEE PEE BOTTLE, close my eyes and hope to god I don’t get squirted?
Then, assuming Sally has good aim, what do I do? Now I have a water bottle filled with piss. Do I dump it in the grass, inevitably get splashed and then carry it around in my purse for the rest of the day? I don’t think it’s disposable. I’m really not following the whole hygiene thing here. I don’t have toddlers but if I did I think I’d just send them into a bush on the side of the road. No muss no fuss!
Also I find it deeply troubling that you can have them personalized. Maybe forensic analysts can use that feature to keep track of their DNA samples?
Although, on the plus side this really will set the gag gift universe aflutter.
You can all expect one in your Christmas stockings!
…wait for it… wait for it… WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Now speaking of gag gifts… I came across this marvelous invention courtesy of TooManyJs
I’m so excited that we can start eating Chipotle for dinner again! It’s like super-mega-NASA-space-scent-absorbing technology, ya’ll.
Now what this product is really missing though is the segment on all the multitude of uses. Getting rid of flatulence is one thing, but if you’re going to sell something on TV you need to be able to rotisserie a chicken, and hem your pants with it these days. In an effort to help the Better Marriage team promote this product, here is a list of alternate uses that I have come up with.
1. You killed someone, but can’t dispose of the body quite yet and don’t want anyone to smell the rotting flesh.
2. You’re throwing a totally awesome rager and can’t be bothered to clean up the puke on the living room carpet but want to keep the smell at bay.
3. Your 94 year old grandmother needs a new muumuu.
It’s all about leverage people, leverage.
But.. needless to say…
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
And much like that old adage about the theatre in which I am about to crucify: there are no small actors only stupid ones, the same is true of ideas. I’d like to end with this quote from great sci-fi auteur H.G. Wells who says, “Human history is, in essence, a history of ideas.”
If this is any indication, I think our history’s about up, brohim.
2 Comments
Ok, that bottle is complete idiocracy! I’m officially renaming their web-address as TheProductThatWillGoDownInTheBurningFlamesOfFailure.com.
As for the blanket, I want a demonstration brought to a Don Pablos near me to see if this works…
With these terrible inventions I’d like to bring in a great invention brought to you by my favorite comedian in the world, Mike Birbiglia. It’s for those of us who love pizza and love it so much that we could pretty much eat it anytime; especially right before bed. The menu item on the take-away menu you have is called “Pizza until you fall asleep.” You call and order it and then leave your door unlocked. And then you time it just right so the delivery man walks in the moment before you fall asleep with a pizza shaped like a travel pillow – This kind of calzone-y pizza that wraps around your neck and you just gobble it while doing neck rolls until you fall asleep.
If people buy that stupid Snuggle blanket, they’ll buy these items as well.