I am long overdue for a blog post. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of stories on theonion.com and have decided that I want to write an Onion story. Besides, its a great exercise in navigating the inverted pyramid and a good reason to dust off the ole’ 2002 AP Style Guide I got in college.
Disclaimer: This is totally made up and no doubt chock full of egregious errors in geography, lifestyle, and pretty much everything else. Fuck off.
Here goes:
7th Degree of Kevin Bacon almost discovered off remote island in Equatorial Guinea
MBINI, E.G. – Anthropologists today discovered new evidence in the existence of a still-living 7th degree of Kevin Bacon in MuonDang ShimShim, 89. Scientific thought has traditionally maintained that any degrees beyond 6th would simultaneously defy the laws of physics and jeopardize human existence, while discrediting the eponymous party game.
ShimShim is a member of the Ndowe tribe, which habitates primarily on a remote island off the coast of Equatorial Guinea. The Ndowe are recognized in anthropological circles for their disregard for electricity, running water and access to common comforts of modern life. Among tribal members ShimShim displays the least social activity and strongest distaste for outsiders.
“We believe it’s a combination of his general misanthropic tendencies and isolation from the developed world that has made this possible,” says Anthropologist Gary Howard, “One might say that it’s the perfect storm of contributing factors.”
ShimShim’s third-cousin’s wife has an acquaintance from a fellow tribe on the mainland that was once visited by a team of American missionaries who entertained them with a production of Jesus Christ Superstar, featuring Margaret Swenson as Mary Magdalene. Prior to joining the missionaries, Margaret worked odd jobs in Los Angeles and once attended a call for extras needed for the movie Hellraiser. She was not used, but did meet fellow extra Daniel Baleen who was eventually also cast as an extra in Ghostbusters, co-starring Annie Potts, who also starred in Pretty in Pink with Jon Cryer, who co-starred with Charlie Sheen on the television series Two and a Half Men, who was married to Denise Richards who starred in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon.
In an ironic twist, once the series of degrees was traced back to ShimShim by American anthropologists he immediately lost two whole degrees after having made their aquaintance.
“He lasted for a long time, though. This story is truly remarkable,” says Howard.
Anthropologists have since given up hope in finding another 7th degree after realizing that upon discovery, it would likely cease to exist.
New Study: 89% of adults world-wide wish to spend more time on a Moon Bounce
OSLO, Norway – Scientists this week released new findings in a world-wide study concluding that a full 89% of the world’s adults would like to play on a Moon Bounce. This evaluation was gathered after a 5 years of random sampling from Norwegian scientists of adults 18 and over from countries all over the world.
“This is an explosive finding in the scientific community,” says Scientist Verneen Bjornface, “To have this many of the world’s adults all in agreement over anything is seemingly impossible. The moon bounce is clearly a very powerful entity and it’s powers are only just beginning to be understood.”
The intrinsic value in the Moon Bounce, according to scientists, is amusement and fun, and while they are often frequented by children, adults tend to shy away out of embarrassment in deriving so much pleasure in a child’s plaything.
“I just hate that I never got a chance to play in one as a kid and now I’m too old for it. I feel seriously jipped,” says one test subject who chose to remain nameless.
Bjornface and his team hope to change this.
“We believe that the mutual love of these helium-filled inflatable structures could help usher world leaders into a solution for global peace, and forge new alliances with the world’s children.” he said.
His first course of action will be working with city planners to add a stadium-sized adult Moon Bounce to every major world-wide metropolis by 2014.